Divorce

In class this week we discussed divorce and remarriage. Going through a divorce is not only hard for the couple involved, but also especially challenging for their children. It is important now that we learn how to have a healthy marriage so that we can avoid the chances of divorce. I think it is interesting that the more religious you are, the less likely you are to get divorced. It makes a lot of sense though! I think a big reason for this is when you aren't religious at all, getting married is just like signing a contract. And a contract is pretty easy to end. When you are religious getting married is more of a covenant. There is an eternal view to the marriage and the couple is able to see the big picture. Temple covenants are made to God. Also, religious people tend to be more family oriented which usually means they are less selfish. And divorce happens most of the time because of some type of selfishness.
When there is a divorce there are then many challenges for the children. Kids often times feel like they need to take sides and choose between parents. This could even be because one parent is encouraging them to take sides. For girls, they are more likely to become promiscuous, and also more likely to get pregnant as a teenager. This is because she wants attention and to feel loved by boys, since she does not have a father that is always present in her life. Another challenge that happens is the Disneyland dad syndrome. I had never heard of it this way before, but it was very interesting. When parents get divorced, the average dad lives 400 miles away from their children, making it sort of a vacation when kids get to visit dad. In this case, dad's house is usually much easier than moms with very little responsibility. Such as, sleeping in all the time, no chores, and just having fun with no responsibility. Going to dad's is treated like a holiday and usually there are not many rules. Sometimes, the dad does this in hope that this children will like being at his house more than the mom's house. And this can create a lot of conflict. Remarriage can also be a big challenge. And the main reason for that is because rules drive behavior, and there are no set rules for step parents. When there is a step parent it creates confusion for all. With moms and dads, they both have defined roles and set rules, it is very clear as to what they should do and their roles in the home.
Divorce makes things more complicated usually. Unless there is abuse in the home, then divorce is not the right thing to do most of the time. Except in rare cases. People that want a divorce and do not get one, and are married 5 years later, are typically very satisfied and have a good marriage. And very glad that they stayed married. A lesson here I guess is to have good communication, don't be selfish in any way, and try to just work things out.

“Meanwhile, mortal misunderstandings can make mischief in a marriage. In fact, each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people. Happiness can come to them only through their earnest effort. Just as harmony comes from an orchestra only when its members make a concerted effort, so harmony in marriage also requires a concerted effort. That effort will succeed if each partner will minimize personal demands and maximize actions of loving selflessness.” -Elder Russell M. Nelson

Becoming a Parent

Becoming a parent is a wonderful opportunity, but also very challenging. I really like this talk by Bishop Victor L. Brown called, Rearing Children Wisely. It talks about the things mothers and fathers should do together to raise their children. Here are some quotes from the talk.
"As parents, we share the responsibility for the actions of our children, whether their actions be for good or ill. I suppose there are none of us who wouldn't acknowledge the successes of our children and perhaps feel some pride in having had something to do with their achievements, but what happens when they make mistakes? Quite a different reaction takes place. Too often we give vent to feelings of anger. Whereas we had a hand in their success, we deny, through our actions, any part in their failure."

"Becoming a parent is one of the greatest blessings and opportunities in life. With this blessing comes grave responsibility. The home is the most important unit in all society, and parents to a great measure establish the spirit of the home. No responsibility is greater than the rearing of our children. Sometimes no responsibility is more difficult. When they do as we wish, there is no problem, but when they are rebellious and disobedient, here is a problem Sometimes this problem requires all of the patience, understanding, and long-suffering it is possible for parents to muster. This does not mean that wise discipline is not necessary; on the contrary, it is absolutely necessary."

Family Finances

In class we discussed family finances and we read the booklet One for the Money, Guide to Family Finance, by Elder Marvin J. Ashton. I thought that it was really useful and gave a lot of wonderful insights. Some really important things that stood out to me where....
1. Get out of debt and stay out of debt. The only time it is reasonable to go into debt is to buy a modest home or to complete your education. And still, debt should be paid off as soon as possible. In the gospel library on lds.org under the definition of debt it says, "Since the early days of the Church, the Lord's prophets have repeatedly warned against the bondage of debt. One of the great dangers of debt is the interest that accompanies it. When it is necessary to incur debt, such as a reasonable amount to purchase a modest home or to complete one's education, the debt should be repaid as quickly as possible." 
2. We do not spend that which we do not have. We should never be spending money that we do not have. That gets us into debt. It is important to budget your money and spend wisely.
3. Have savings. It is so important for everyone to have a savings account. My parents taught me that when I was much younger and I was always so excited to save my money. Once I put money in my savings account I was not allowed to touch it until I was 18. It taught me to save my money for when I will really need it someday, and now I am so glad that I started saving at a young age. It is important to save money when you have a family because you never know what something will happen where you will need it. For example, loosing a job, a medical emergency, or even your car breaking.
4. Be involved in food storage. My family was not LDS so they did not have very much food storage and did not realize the importance of it. Now I realize how good it is to have though. It is not just for a natural disaster that will probably never happen. Food storage is most used for when money is tight. If you have food storage you will still have plenty of food to live off of for a while.

Fatherhood

This week in class we were able to discuss fatherhood, and how important it is to be a good father. My dad has been a wonderful example to me of what a father should be like. At general conference this last October Sister Dalton gave a talk titled "Love her Mother". I really loved this talk and it explained so well the importance of fatherhood. Here some of my favorite parts from the talk.

“The most important thing a father can do for his daughter is to love her mother.” By the way you love her mother, you will teach your daughter about tenderness, loyalty, respect, compassion, and devotion. She will learn from your example what to expect from young men and what qualities to seek in a future spouse. You can show your daughter by the way you love and honor your wife that she should never settle for less. Your example will teach your daughter to value womanhood. You are showing her that she is a daughter of our Heavenly Father, who loves her.
Love her mother so much that your marriage is celestial. A temple marriage for time and all eternity is worthy of your greatest efforts and highest priority. It was only after Nephi had completed the temple in the wilderness that he stated, “And … we lived after the manner of happiness.”² The “manner of happiness” is found in the temple. It is covenant keeping. Don’t let any influence come into your life or your home that would cause you to compromise your covenants or your commitment to your wife and family.
Today’s popular culture tries to erode and demean your eternal role as a patriarch and father and minimize your most important responsibilities. These have been given to you “by divine design,” and as fathers you “are to preside over [your] families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for your families.” Fathers, you are the guardians of your homes, your wives, and your children. Today “it is not an easy thing to protect one’s family against intrusions of evil into[their minds and spirits. … These influences can and do flow freely into the home. Satan is very clever. He need not break down the door.” -Sister Dalton

The Challenge of Communication

This week in class we discussed good ways to communicate with our spouse. The example of the what prophets of the Church do every week fit really well into our discussion and helps us to know what we should be doing on our own homes. Before discussing things to one another, we need to speak love and gratitude to each other. We should try to say specific things, maybe something that happened that week even. Then it is important to pray together before having a serious discussion, so that the Spirit can be present. We can pray for guidance, love for each other and the Lord, to be calm and not let emotions get out of hand, and gratitude. Another thing couples can do to make their communication with one another better is to go to the temple to discuss very serious topics. It's impossible to feel angry in the temple, and it's a place where you can feel your love for another and the Lord.

Conflict in Marriage

1. Be teachable. Paradoxically, those who need, want, and even seek help are sometimes unwilling to accept it when it is given. Efforts to solve marital problems are unsuccessful when partners refuse to be teachable or to change when change is necessary. Problems will remain unsolved if either the husband or the wife pretends to go through the motion of solving problems but is intent upon influencing or manipulating the other partner into doing all the changing.


2. Use sound relationship principles revealed by the Lord. One of the Lord’s standards for relationships between his children is given in D&C 121:41–42: “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained … [except] by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge.” If a couple wants their problem-solving efforts to be effective, they must strive to incorporate these qualifies in their marital relationships. They must pray for the Lord’s help in learning to treat each other in Christlike ways.


3. Strive to fully understand your partner’s point of view. Most couples enter marriage with a preconceived notion of what a husband or wife ought to be like. Problems arise when each has a different view on the matter, or when either or both views are not in harmony with the will of the Lord for how we should conduct our lives.


4. Fully and sensitively share your view of the problem. When marital problems occur, some husbands and wives share so little information about their feelings that the partner is unable to understand the problem. Instead of clearly sharing their own perspective, some people pout, displace angry feelings (slam the door or bang pots and pans in the sink), downplay the problem (“Nothing’s bothering me”) or give insufficient information (“I’d like to crawl in a hole and stay there. I’m so unhappy”). Sometimes, to avoid facing the issues involved or to avoid personal responsibility, the individual may attack and blame the spouse.


5. Seek a shared understanding. When a husband or wife shares a problem, the most typical response of the partner is to defend himself (justifying his actions) or to counterattack (blaming the partner for the problem just shared). Couples who argue seldom listen to each other. While one is talking, the other is busy formulating his counter-argument.


6. Seek solutions to the problem. After obtaining a shared understanding, Ellen and David then went to the next and important step of generating possible solutions. 

Family Crisis

This week we learned about family crisis and the best way to handle different situations. Some excellent examples were shared in class and I really feel like I learned a lot of valuable things that will help me throughout my life. Something very interesting we learned about in class was the ABC model. Actual events + Behavioral responses + Cognition (what the family thinks happened) = Experience. This model demonstrates that a family crisis can either tear a family apart, or help them grow closer together and be a wonderful experience. It is how you handle the crisis/trial that matters. We should always try to learn from every experience in our life, even the ones that are very difficult.

Intimacy in Marriage

For parents and children, husband and wife intimacy is crucial for strong family and marital relationships. An intimate relationship is one of caring, mutual trust, and acceptance. Caring is showing genuine concern for a person’s well-being. Mutual trust is the feeling that one person will not be harmed or hurt by another. Acceptance is the recognition or approval of each other. Relationships with these qualities set the foundation for healthy nonsexual and sexual intimacy in marriage.

A loving and joyful marriage is one in which both partners are intimate with each other and are both nonsexually and sexually fulfilled and nurtured. An intimate sexual relationship is one of the most important aspects of marriage. It keeps marriage vital. It is the glue that holds couples together. Without it, small problems become large ones, and large problems can result in destroying the marriage.

Regarding the importance and purposes of sexual intimacy, President Kimball stated, “The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God-ordained, God-blessed. It makes it plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race, and for the expression of the kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His command to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply.’”Dr. David Mace, who is a longtime marriage counselor and writer, spent his career observing the dynamics of marriage. He pointed out “the sexual side of marriage is closely linked with the emotional and personal elements in the relationship. . . . What the married couple have to achieve, therefore, is a sexual relationship that expresses, sustains, and renews their deepest and most tender feelings for each other.” 

Both men and women share the basic need to be intimate with their husband or wife. However, what this means from both a sexual and emotional standpoint is somewhat different for men and women. Boys and girls are socialized and taught differently about affection and being affectionate. Therefore, typically men and women enter marriage with differing beliefs and expectations about giving and receiving affection. Having a basic understanding of such differences is important so that misunderstanding, frustrations, and anger can be avoided. The following generalizations are meant to provide general guidelines and ideas for the marital couple to discuss together.

It’s been said that, typically, men give love and commitment in order to get physical affection and sex. Women give physical affection and sex in order to get commitment and love. It might also be said that men typically hunger for sex while women hunger for romance. Men initially give and receive love to fulfill their physical needs, while women initially give and receive love to fulfill their emotional needs.

Often, women need to feel loved and nurtured before they begin to be aroused and develop desire for sexual intimacy. For women, emotional intimacy is at least as important as the act of sexual intercourse.

Men often need to be sexually aroused before they can truly feel and express love. It’s through sexual activity that men are emotionally and physically fulfilled. Sexual activity often enables men to become aware of their wives’ need for love and emotional support.

Unless partners understand such differences (and others) between men and women, it can be difficult or frustrating for them to find a common ground so that the emotional and physical desires and needs of both can be fulfilled. Understanding each other’s feelings and expectations regarding intimacy (in all its dimensions) and being intimate is the key. When couples understand their own expectations and feelings, as well as those of their spouse, 70 to 80 percent of the time that is all that is needed.

Getting Married

"If you are a young man of appropriate age and are not married, don’t waste time in idle pursuits. Get on with life and focus on getting married. Don’t just coast through this period of life. Young men, serve a worthy mission. Then make your highest priority finding a worthy, eternal companion. When you find you are developing an interest in a young woman, show her that you are an exceptional person that she would find interesting to know better. Take her to places that are worthwhile. Show some ingenuity. If you want to have a wonderful wife, you need to have her see you as a wonderful man and prospective husband. If you have found someone, you can form an extraordinarily wonderful courtship and marriage and be very, very happy eternally by staying within the bounds of worthiness the Lord has established. If you are married, are you faithful to your spouse mentally as well as physically? Are you loyal to your marriage covenants by never engaging in conversation with another person that you wouldn’t want your spouse to overhear? Are you kind and supportive of your spouse and children?

Brethren, do you lead out in family activities such as scripture study, family prayer, and family home evening, or does your wife fill in the gap your lack of attention leaves in the home? Do you tell your wife often how very much you love her? It will bring her great happiness. I’ve heard men tell me when I say that, “Oh, she knows.” You need to tell her. A woman grows and is greatly blessed by that reassurance. Expressgratitude for what your spouse does for you. Express that love and gratitude often. That will make life far richer and more pleasant and purposeful. Don’t withhold those natural expressions of love. And it works a lot better if you are holding her close while you tell her. I learned from my wife the importance of expressions of love. Early in our marriage, often I would open my scriptures to give a message in a meeting, and I would find an affectionate, supportive note Jeanene had slipped into the pages. Sometimes they were so tender that I could hardly talk. Those precious notes from a loving wife were and continue to be a priceless treasure of comfort and inspiration. 


Pure love is an incomparable, potent power for good. Righteous love is the foundation of a successful marriage. It is the primary cause of contented, well-developed children. Who can justly measure the righteous influence of a mother’s love? What enduring fruits result from the seeds of truth that a mother carefully plants and lovingly cultivates in the fertile soil of a child’s trusting mind and heart? As a mother you have been given divine instincts to help you sense your child’s special talents and unique capacities. With your husband you can nurture, strengthen, and cause those traits to flower. It is so rewarding to be married. Marriage is wonderful. In time you begin to think alike and have the same ideas and impressions. You have times when you are extremely happy, times of testing, and times of trial, but the Lord guides you through all of those growth experiences together." 
- Elder Richard G. Scott

Preparing for Marriage

Temple marriage describes the place you go to have an eternal marriage performed. Celestial marriage is being true to the sacred covenants you make in that temple marriage ceremony—living celestial principles in the marriage relationship. A celestial marriage requires, after the vows are taken, a continuing consecrated life of worthiness leading to happiness and exaltation. If we live the laws properly, we will, with another individual and with our family, be able to have a little heaven on earth. Once we are committed to a celestial marriage, we should understand and do the things that lead to it. When you are choosing your companion, make sure that both of you have a desire for a celestial marriage relationship, a desire to have a family for eternity, a desire to have a companion for eternity and to live in the presence of our Heavenly Father. Make sure that you know before you get married what that person really wants to be. You can do that by seeing if he or she goes to his or her meetings and has a testimony and can talk to you about eternal goals now.

"Brethren and sisters, material possessions and honors of the world do not endure. But your union as wife, husband, and family can. The only duration of family life that satisfies the loftiest longings of the human soul is forever. No sacrifice is too great to have the blessings of an eternal marriage. To qualify, one needs only to deny oneself of ungodliness and honor the ordinances of the temple. By making and keeping sacred temple covenants, we evidence our love for God, for our companion, and our real regard for our posterity—even those yet unborn. Our family is the focus of our greatest work and joy in this life." -Russell M. Nelson

Boys and Girls are Different!

Girls and boys are different by nature. And each also have different roles. Boys and girls were made differently so that a male and female could complete each other. I love the talk titled, "Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan", by Elder Bednar. He talks a lot about how we are different in ways that can help the other and how gender is an essential characteristic of our identity and purpose. I love what he says and I can't say it better, so here is a small part of what he wrote.

The eternal nature and importance of marriage can be fully understood only within the overarching context of the Father’s plan for His children. “All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and . . . has a divine nature and destiny.”³ The great plan of happiness enables the spirit sons and daughters of Heavenly Father to obtain physical bodies, to gain earthly experience, and to progress toward perfection.

“Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose”⁴ and in large measure defines who we are, why we are here upon the earth, and what we are to do and become. For divine purposes, male and female spirits are different, distinctive, and complementary.

After the earth was created, Adam was placed in the Garden of Eden. Importantly, however, God said it was “not good that the man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18;Moses 3:18), and Eve became Adam’s companion and helpmeet. The unique combination of spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional capacities of both males and females were needed to implement the plan of happiness. Alone, neither the man nor the woman could fulfill the purposes of his or her creation.

By divine design, men and women are intended to progress together toward perfection and a fulness of glory. Because of their distinctive temperaments and capacities, males and females each bring to a marriage relationship unique perspectives and experiences. The man and the woman contribute differently but equally to a oneness and a unity that can be achieved in no other way. The man completes and perfects the woman and the woman completes and perfects the man as they learn from and mutually strengthen and bless each other. “Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord”  -Elder Bednar

Eternal Truth

Family relationships can and will exist beyond the grave.

Trends in Cohabitation

In class we had a great discussion on different trends in the world today such as people delaying marriage, low birthrates, high unwed birthrates, moms in the workforce, pre-marital sex, and cohabitation. The one that caught my attention the most was cohabitation, because the numbers were extremely high and there has been a lot of research done on cohabitation. And it has been proved to lead to unhealthy relationships and more divorces in future marriages. On Family Profiles I was able to find percentages of cohabitation in recent years. The percentage of women ages 19-44 who have ever cohabited has increased by 75% over the past 20 years. In 1987, one-third of women had ever cohabited, and in 2006-2008, over half (58%) had ever cohabited. And increase in cohabitation exists in every age group. The greatest increase (163%) in cohabitation occurred among women ages 40-44. Over the last two decades, there has been a 40% increase in cohabitation among women ages 19-24. Cohabitation has become a way of things, but not necessarily a happy way. In the past it was believed that cohabitation was the right way to do things, and that it was a sort of testing to see if they could live with their future marriage partner. But that belief has been research a lot, and proved to be wrong. Coupes who cohabit before marriage tend to be less satisfied with their marriages and more likely to divorce, than couples who do not.
A quote from The New York Times on cohabitation says, "Moving from dating to sleeping over to sleeping over a lot to cohabitation can be a gradual slope, one not marked by rings or ceremonies. Couples bypass talking about why they want to live together and what it will mean. When researched ask cohabitants these questions, partners often have different, unspoken, and even unconscious agendas. Women are more likely to view cohabitation as a step toward marriage, while men are more likely to see it as a way to test a relationship or postpone commitment, and this gender asymmetry is associated with negative interactions and lower levels of commitment even after the relationship progresses to marriage. One thing men and women do agree on, however, is that their standards for a live-in partner are lower than they are for a spouse. It is not surprising that cohabiting is a trend toward misery."
The advice here would be, do not live with someone who you are not married to.

Here is a really great talk on marriage and how truly wonderful it can be if the marriage is shaped by eternal principles!  :)
http://www.lds.org/ensign/2001/08/happiness-health-and-marriage?lang=eng

My Family! :)

This is my family and I love them so much. Josh is 13, Jacob is 15 and Samantha is 17. Families are really important and they bring us true happiness in life. I am looking forward to learning more about family relationships in this course and I hope to gain a lot of useful information that can help my family and my future family.