Divorce

In class this week we discussed divorce and remarriage. Going through a divorce is not only hard for the couple involved, but also especially challenging for their children. It is important now that we learn how to have a healthy marriage so that we can avoid the chances of divorce. I think it is interesting that the more religious you are, the less likely you are to get divorced. It makes a lot of sense though! I think a big reason for this is when you aren't religious at all, getting married is just like signing a contract. And a contract is pretty easy to end. When you are religious getting married is more of a covenant. There is an eternal view to the marriage and the couple is able to see the big picture. Temple covenants are made to God. Also, religious people tend to be more family oriented which usually means they are less selfish. And divorce happens most of the time because of some type of selfishness.
When there is a divorce there are then many challenges for the children. Kids often times feel like they need to take sides and choose between parents. This could even be because one parent is encouraging them to take sides. For girls, they are more likely to become promiscuous, and also more likely to get pregnant as a teenager. This is because she wants attention and to feel loved by boys, since she does not have a father that is always present in her life. Another challenge that happens is the Disneyland dad syndrome. I had never heard of it this way before, but it was very interesting. When parents get divorced, the average dad lives 400 miles away from their children, making it sort of a vacation when kids get to visit dad. In this case, dad's house is usually much easier than moms with very little responsibility. Such as, sleeping in all the time, no chores, and just having fun with no responsibility. Going to dad's is treated like a holiday and usually there are not many rules. Sometimes, the dad does this in hope that this children will like being at his house more than the mom's house. And this can create a lot of conflict. Remarriage can also be a big challenge. And the main reason for that is because rules drive behavior, and there are no set rules for step parents. When there is a step parent it creates confusion for all. With moms and dads, they both have defined roles and set rules, it is very clear as to what they should do and their roles in the home.
Divorce makes things more complicated usually. Unless there is abuse in the home, then divorce is not the right thing to do most of the time. Except in rare cases. People that want a divorce and do not get one, and are married 5 years later, are typically very satisfied and have a good marriage. And very glad that they stayed married. A lesson here I guess is to have good communication, don't be selfish in any way, and try to just work things out.

“Meanwhile, mortal misunderstandings can make mischief in a marriage. In fact, each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people. Happiness can come to them only through their earnest effort. Just as harmony comes from an orchestra only when its members make a concerted effort, so harmony in marriage also requires a concerted effort. That effort will succeed if each partner will minimize personal demands and maximize actions of loving selflessness.” -Elder Russell M. Nelson

Becoming a Parent

Becoming a parent is a wonderful opportunity, but also very challenging. I really like this talk by Bishop Victor L. Brown called, Rearing Children Wisely. It talks about the things mothers and fathers should do together to raise their children. Here are some quotes from the talk.
"As parents, we share the responsibility for the actions of our children, whether their actions be for good or ill. I suppose there are none of us who wouldn't acknowledge the successes of our children and perhaps feel some pride in having had something to do with their achievements, but what happens when they make mistakes? Quite a different reaction takes place. Too often we give vent to feelings of anger. Whereas we had a hand in their success, we deny, through our actions, any part in their failure."

"Becoming a parent is one of the greatest blessings and opportunities in life. With this blessing comes grave responsibility. The home is the most important unit in all society, and parents to a great measure establish the spirit of the home. No responsibility is greater than the rearing of our children. Sometimes no responsibility is more difficult. When they do as we wish, there is no problem, but when they are rebellious and disobedient, here is a problem Sometimes this problem requires all of the patience, understanding, and long-suffering it is possible for parents to muster. This does not mean that wise discipline is not necessary; on the contrary, it is absolutely necessary."

Family Finances

In class we discussed family finances and we read the booklet One for the Money, Guide to Family Finance, by Elder Marvin J. Ashton. I thought that it was really useful and gave a lot of wonderful insights. Some really important things that stood out to me where....
1. Get out of debt and stay out of debt. The only time it is reasonable to go into debt is to buy a modest home or to complete your education. And still, debt should be paid off as soon as possible. In the gospel library on lds.org under the definition of debt it says, "Since the early days of the Church, the Lord's prophets have repeatedly warned against the bondage of debt. One of the great dangers of debt is the interest that accompanies it. When it is necessary to incur debt, such as a reasonable amount to purchase a modest home or to complete one's education, the debt should be repaid as quickly as possible." 
2. We do not spend that which we do not have. We should never be spending money that we do not have. That gets us into debt. It is important to budget your money and spend wisely.
3. Have savings. It is so important for everyone to have a savings account. My parents taught me that when I was much younger and I was always so excited to save my money. Once I put money in my savings account I was not allowed to touch it until I was 18. It taught me to save my money for when I will really need it someday, and now I am so glad that I started saving at a young age. It is important to save money when you have a family because you never know what something will happen where you will need it. For example, loosing a job, a medical emergency, or even your car breaking.
4. Be involved in food storage. My family was not LDS so they did not have very much food storage and did not realize the importance of it. Now I realize how good it is to have though. It is not just for a natural disaster that will probably never happen. Food storage is most used for when money is tight. If you have food storage you will still have plenty of food to live off of for a while.

Fatherhood

This week in class we were able to discuss fatherhood, and how important it is to be a good father. My dad has been a wonderful example to me of what a father should be like. At general conference this last October Sister Dalton gave a talk titled "Love her Mother". I really loved this talk and it explained so well the importance of fatherhood. Here some of my favorite parts from the talk.

“The most important thing a father can do for his daughter is to love her mother.” By the way you love her mother, you will teach your daughter about tenderness, loyalty, respect, compassion, and devotion. She will learn from your example what to expect from young men and what qualities to seek in a future spouse. You can show your daughter by the way you love and honor your wife that she should never settle for less. Your example will teach your daughter to value womanhood. You are showing her that she is a daughter of our Heavenly Father, who loves her.
Love her mother so much that your marriage is celestial. A temple marriage for time and all eternity is worthy of your greatest efforts and highest priority. It was only after Nephi had completed the temple in the wilderness that he stated, “And … we lived after the manner of happiness.”² The “manner of happiness” is found in the temple. It is covenant keeping. Don’t let any influence come into your life or your home that would cause you to compromise your covenants or your commitment to your wife and family.
Today’s popular culture tries to erode and demean your eternal role as a patriarch and father and minimize your most important responsibilities. These have been given to you “by divine design,” and as fathers you “are to preside over [your] families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for your families.” Fathers, you are the guardians of your homes, your wives, and your children. Today “it is not an easy thing to protect one’s family against intrusions of evil into[their minds and spirits. … These influences can and do flow freely into the home. Satan is very clever. He need not break down the door.” -Sister Dalton

The Challenge of Communication

This week in class we discussed good ways to communicate with our spouse. The example of the what prophets of the Church do every week fit really well into our discussion and helps us to know what we should be doing on our own homes. Before discussing things to one another, we need to speak love and gratitude to each other. We should try to say specific things, maybe something that happened that week even. Then it is important to pray together before having a serious discussion, so that the Spirit can be present. We can pray for guidance, love for each other and the Lord, to be calm and not let emotions get out of hand, and gratitude. Another thing couples can do to make their communication with one another better is to go to the temple to discuss very serious topics. It's impossible to feel angry in the temple, and it's a place where you can feel your love for another and the Lord.

Conflict in Marriage

1. Be teachable. Paradoxically, those who need, want, and even seek help are sometimes unwilling to accept it when it is given. Efforts to solve marital problems are unsuccessful when partners refuse to be teachable or to change when change is necessary. Problems will remain unsolved if either the husband or the wife pretends to go through the motion of solving problems but is intent upon influencing or manipulating the other partner into doing all the changing.


2. Use sound relationship principles revealed by the Lord. One of the Lord’s standards for relationships between his children is given in D&C 121:41–42: “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained … [except] by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge.” If a couple wants their problem-solving efforts to be effective, they must strive to incorporate these qualifies in their marital relationships. They must pray for the Lord’s help in learning to treat each other in Christlike ways.


3. Strive to fully understand your partner’s point of view. Most couples enter marriage with a preconceived notion of what a husband or wife ought to be like. Problems arise when each has a different view on the matter, or when either or both views are not in harmony with the will of the Lord for how we should conduct our lives.


4. Fully and sensitively share your view of the problem. When marital problems occur, some husbands and wives share so little information about their feelings that the partner is unable to understand the problem. Instead of clearly sharing their own perspective, some people pout, displace angry feelings (slam the door or bang pots and pans in the sink), downplay the problem (“Nothing’s bothering me”) or give insufficient information (“I’d like to crawl in a hole and stay there. I’m so unhappy”). Sometimes, to avoid facing the issues involved or to avoid personal responsibility, the individual may attack and blame the spouse.


5. Seek a shared understanding. When a husband or wife shares a problem, the most typical response of the partner is to defend himself (justifying his actions) or to counterattack (blaming the partner for the problem just shared). Couples who argue seldom listen to each other. While one is talking, the other is busy formulating his counter-argument.


6. Seek solutions to the problem. After obtaining a shared understanding, Ellen and David then went to the next and important step of generating possible solutions. 

Family Crisis

This week we learned about family crisis and the best way to handle different situations. Some excellent examples were shared in class and I really feel like I learned a lot of valuable things that will help me throughout my life. Something very interesting we learned about in class was the ABC model. Actual events + Behavioral responses + Cognition (what the family thinks happened) = Experience. This model demonstrates that a family crisis can either tear a family apart, or help them grow closer together and be a wonderful experience. It is how you handle the crisis/trial that matters. We should always try to learn from every experience in our life, even the ones that are very difficult.